Today I went to Kiya's physical therapy appointment at the Pediatric Rehab Center. I began the session by warning the Dr. about her overwhelming cuteness. After he acknowledged we began. This was the first time that Kiya has been in this intense of a therapy session. Normally KOTM comes to my house for a half hour and shows me how to do the therapy for Kiya. Today we had almost two hours of intense physical therapy. Kiya hated it! It was so hard for me to sit on the chair and watch my sweet angel baby crying. The therapist did a series of stretches and manipulations to get a baseline for where Kiya is at currently. I think she felt scared and really out of control. She has a hard time taking in the world around her especially in such an intense way. I have to meet with this therapist twice a month now so this brings my therapy schedule to 8 times a month. That's just therapy, not to mention her other doctors appointments and oh ya I have two other kids that have there own schedules and need love. Today was not the greatest. I feel like every time I go an appointment for Kiya I am opening a wound that hasn't had time to close. I could feel the tears swelling up in me by the end of her session today. Each new doctor has to go over her chart. I have to re-explain every detail of her birth and the aftermath of that terrible day. Then I have to explain what she is doing, what she isn't doing. Then they tell me the reason for this or that. I find myself asking a familiar question "why did this have to happen." Most days I am really strong because I focus on Kiya and my hurt and the world goes away. Today I am reminded of all that still hurts. Kiya's physical therapist told me to look at everything like a snow packed driveway. To walk outside, get my shovel and take it on shovel full at a time. I have had to take this entire journey one day at a time. An hour at a time. Today I felt overwhelmed by all the physical therapy, feeding therapy, massage therapy, moby therapy, play time, and nutrition management I need to do everyday. There is so much that matters bearing down on my shoulders. Today all I could see was a driveway filled with snow. Maybe tomorrow I can find my shovel.